the art of connection
ask questions. pay attention. don't judge.
I recently went on a trip to the countryside.
There were historic villages with sandstone cottages, gardens coloured with camellias and roses, and trinket shops that line each side of the road.
One of the days I had no plans. So, I decided to peruse the local shops, sit in a cafe and take photos of beautiful cottages and gardens.
I entered a tiny trinket shop that had home-made candles. Each scent had a personal note in front of them. As I began reading the notes, I realised each scent was inspired by a memory. Every candle came with a story from the candlemaker’s life. It was as though there was a piece of her poured into every jar.
I told her how much I loved that idea and how I’d never seen anything like it. Scent is the most powerful trigger for memory after all, so I truly thought this idea was so clever. I knew I wanted to chat with her. So, I asked her more questions about her memories and what followed was a thirty minute conversation about love, guilt, family, travel, jealousy, and so much more.
No rush. No expectations. Just two strangers talking about life.
Soon after, I entered a wool shop. There was an older woman who I started talking to. I asked her where she was from and that sparked another thirty minute conversation. As I left, she gave me a big hug, and then the other lady working there followed suit. It was a very warm, genuine moment. We wished each other well and went on our merry way with big smiles on our faces.
I can’t explain how much these kinds of interactions fill my cup. It is so easy to be kind and open to strangers, and the simplest interactions can truly turn the entire day around.
I went back to my farm I was staying at and told the owner about my day. He had also opened up to me about some big topics on love, children, ageing, careers, animals.
He made a comment that I’ve received a few times:
“There must be a sign on your face saying ‘come and talk to me!’. You just have an energy and face that invites people to open up to you.”
I later spoke to my friend and he said he was envious of my ability to connect with people so easily.
Later that week, a colleague of mine opened up to me about some problems in his life over lunch and he later made a similar comment about how I have a way of making people feel comfortable enough to open up to me.
Suffice to say, the comments built up and now here I am writing this post.
All of these comments have come at a time where I’ve been asking myself some pretty big questions — questions I’d normally ask other people, and not myself. The main question being:“Who am I?”.
This ability to connect with people so easily is something I’m proud of. I delight in knowing I make people feel comfortable and safe enough to open up to me. It’s also not something I take lightly. It’s a gift, and it’s one I want to become more aware of so I do not abuse it or take advantage of it or set expectations for relationships because of it.
It’s a gift I want to become more aware of, so I can continue connecting with people deeply without the expectation of receiving it in return, something that often leads to heartache and disappointment.
We all have a different capacity for connection, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It becomes dangerous when you try to force someone into a role that they cannot consistently maintain, which I have been guilty of in the past.
Ultimately, I have an innate curiosity for hearing about people’s lives and stories, it truly fascinates me. However, I think it’s a skill I developed from feeling deeply unseen, unheard and misunderstood most of my life.
I’ve asked myself why I value connection so much and I’ve come up with three answers:
A desire for people from all walks of life to feel seen and understood so nobody feels the way I have.
A desire to connect with people to develop a relationship and hopefully feel seen and understood myself.
An innate love and passion for listening to people’s stories.
All three of these qualities blend together to create a person who has the capacity to build connections with people effortlessly. It’s like the combination of onion, celery and carrot - it just works every. damn. time. Now I’m thinking of bolognese and getting distracted.
My experiences have helped me develop the tools to connect with people easily, however as with anything, I’ve sharpened it more over time because for me, connection is the nectar of life. I value and admire that qualities that naturally come with people who are warm and kind to everyone, no matter who they are. I am also passionate about stories. I love hearing about people’s lives, and I try my best to understand who they are — but it’s a skillset I will forever be working on. There are also limitations to trying to understand everyone. This mainly applies to personal/intimate relationships where people are hellbent on not being understood (if they’re avoiding themselves), or don’t care to understand other people. I have found myself getting very frustrated at people like this, but I’m working on preserving that energy for people who deserve it.
By no means do I consider myself a teacher or mentor for love and relationships, heck I make a lot of mistakes in my personal relationships, but I do believe I have developed an understanding of the art of connection.
Now, if you’d like to connect with people easier (e.g. you’re travelling alone and would like to make friends, or want to develop rapport with your local barista), deepen your relationships, or simply add a layer of depth and richness to your everyday life, I have some tips!
There are 3 skills that I believe anyone can develop in order to connect with people more easily.
Be Curious, Ask Questions
You can absolutely start with the standard ‘How was your weekend?’ or ‘How are you feeling?’, just… don’t stop there.
Listen to what they say and use that information to ask a follow-up question. This is where you get their attention. Most people ask these questions as a throwaway pleasantry, but you’re not most people — you have a kink for connection, you naughty little thing, you.
If someone says they’re feeling good, you can catch them off guard by asking ‘Oh? Why is that?'. If they tell you what they got up to on the weekend, you can follow-up by asking ‘Do you normally do that every weekend?’. Now you’ve got their attention, and that’s where you start to add a little more depth to your everyday interactions, even a it’s just a bit of banter!
Now, if this was a game of asking questions, this would be level 1.
It sounds boring, straightforward even, but you can’t start with “So, what are you most afraid of in life?” right off the bat, unless you want people to think you’re a sadist or something.
Think of it like a domino effect, each answer provides you with more information to ask another question — the more questions you ask, the deeper you go. It’s like watching YouTube at 3am in the morning wondering how you got from self-help videos to ships battling stormy seas (true story).
But, if you want to level up even more, start to notice little details.
Which brings me to the second skill,
Pay Attention.
Notice what is different about them. Clothes. Tattoos. Jewellery. Hairstyle. Makeup. It also doesn’t have to be appearance based, it can also be the way they make you feel. Their kind smile. Their inviting energy. Their sense of humour.
When you talk to them, actively listen to what they say. Notice little key words. Notice how they smile when talking about something they love, or how they frown when talking about something they dislike. Use that information to formulate more questions.
“You seem to really love X, why do you think that is?”
Ultimately, when you show you’re paying attention, you make people feel seen. If you ask questions based off what you notice, it shows you’re making an effort to try and understand them — and this is the basis of all meaningful connection.
Don’t Judge
Judgment stops the conversation. Curiosity keeps it going.
We can never rid ourselves of judgment, and we shouldn’t. Moral judgment, for example, is exceptionally important for safety and survival. When someone’s actions actively hurt others, or has the potential to harm you, it’s important to use your judgement to keep yourself and others safe.
The judgment I am referring to is more to do with insecurity or close-mindedness. When you decide to write someone off because you don’t agree with how they look or because they said something you’re uncomfortable with, you’re limiting your ability to connect with people.
When you judge in this way, you fail to recognise the nuance and complexity that resides in every human, including yourself. If you’re not comfortable with something this person said or how they present themselves, challenge yourself. Maybe you’re uncomfortable because they possess a quality you’re insecure about — are they attractive and you struggle with self-image? are they smart and you feel stupid? In that case, you’re simply projecting. Carl Jung talks a lot about the shadow self, and this is a perfect example.
Alternatively, you could be judging because you simply don’t understand.
Either way, curiosity helps you work through that block.
Judgment will keep you stuck, and people can feel when you’re judging them, and they absolutely will not feel safe opening up to you. I mean, who the hell wants to open up to someone who is clearly trying to withhold a look of disgust — the curled upper lip and narrowed eyes gives you away every time.
Learning how to stop being so judgmental is absolutely a you problem, not a them problem. So really challenge that part of yourself.
Building deeper connections is about practicing curiosity.
The more curious you are, the more you will see your connections in life bloom in ways you never thought possible. <3
It’s so easy to close yourself off, but you severely limit your opportunity connect with people.
A life without connection is a life of emotional deficiency, and are you really living if you don’t feel the full spectrum of human emotions? I don’t think so.
Recent things I’m grateful for:
night time drives listening to music
rooibos tea
the moon
my beautiful female friends
watching people I love challenge themselves and grow and kick goals
candlelit showers
rainy sundays
women who run with the wolves (iykyk)
secondhand books and clothes
smiley strangers