why self-destruction looks sexy when we're bored
temptation, boredom and some very painful lessons.
“The feral woman is usually extremely hungry for something soulful, and often will take any poison disguised on a pointed stick, believing it to be the thing for which her soul hungers.”
– Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Recently, I’ve noticed a behavioural trend both in myself and others – when we are unfulfilled or bored with our lives, we become drawn to anything that sparks a sense of aliveness within us, even if it’s to our detriment.
When the days begin to lull and drag and moan and groan. When we lose sight of our purpose. When we avoid doing the work because it feels too hard. When we let other people influence our choices and opinions and actions and end up losing ourselves. When we become numb, dissociated or bored. It is then that temptation strikes and we are faced with a choice to stay where we are or slip away into chaos to feel alive again. To feel the blood pumping through your veins. To feel as though you’re flying through the air. To feel your stomach flutter. We often realise in hindsight that these feelings were, as Eskes would put it – a trap.
The body cannot notice the difference between anxiety and excitement. It’s so intense and overpowering, and it triggers the exact same physiological response. So something that could be triggering anxiety within your body could easily be mistaken for excitement when you’re in a state of boredom or lack. This is dangerous because the feeling is often so all-consuming that it often overrides the deep, gnawing feeling that something about this situation is off.
There’s a subtle voice saying “you’ll regret doing this”, and yet you do it anyway because the feelings of excitement/anxiety are so strong that you’re convinced it must be something important and meaningful.
What if this takes all my pain away?
What if this is the answer to all of my problems?
I feel alive, so it must mean something, right?
You don’t care if it hurts later, all you’re thinking about is this present moment and how you just want to feel something again.
Taking risks can end up working in your favour if you proceed with caution. But the type of risk-taking I am referring to is not the kind where you keep your wits. It’s the type where you ignore all possible signs of danger, bury your wits, and proceed without caution. No discernment. No awareness. No logic. Just pure, unadulterated, wild emotion – the perfect breeding ground for temptations and traps.
You may find yourself partying more, lured in by the momentary thrill of drugs and sex and alcohol. A quick relief from the burden of your pain. A temporary solution to your soul-sucking numbness.
Perhaps you meet someone who possesses a certain charm or allure, and your desperation for love and connection blinds you. Their darkness becomes a project that drains you of your light. A light you didn’t realise you possessed until it was gone.
The job that pays well and tempts you with its luxuries whilst hiding the draining reality of long nights, blue lights, spreadsheets and pointless, circular meetings.
You may even find yourself in a group of people where your desire to fit in makes you abandon your values and ethics. Perhaps they love to gossip or judge people (including each other), and you suddenly find yourself engaging in this behaviour even if it’s not who you truly are. But your desire to feel a sense of belonging makes you lose touch with yourself and suddenly you’re acting in ways that don’t align with the kind of person you want to be.
All of these examples are some of the few ways you can lose touch with yourself when you are unclear about what you want and who you want to be.
When your soul is lost in a sea of purposelessness, your discernment weakens. Your heart is hungry and desperate for connection, meaning, and direction. The desire is so strong that the voice of reason begins to sound like an annoying mosquito, buzzing around in your ear. You choose to ignore it, even if ignoring it means costing you your dignity, self-respect, identity and sometimes tragically, your life.
Before you know it, you’re sucked into a tornado of chaos and confusion and barely have time to catch your breath. The decision to move towards temptation leaves little room for second-guesses. It’s as though you’ve blinked and are suddenly surrounded by dirt, dust and debris spinning around you making you dizzy. Your decision-making skills get worse and worse, and all you can do is watch as your body disintegrates into sand.
This is why it’s so important to watch closely before committing to anything. Any decision that seems urgent is often a trap and deserves your full awareness before making any commitment.
Your discernment during times of intense sadness or purposelessness or desperation is especially important. It is a skill that needs to be developed in order to keep you alive and well and at peace.
There is a saying ‘idle hands do the devils work’, so please make sure your hands are focused on building a life that you love.
Your peace deserves to be protected, and boredom needs to become an absurd reason to destroy your life.
It is true that we often learn these lessons the hard way, and if that is the case, do not spend too long beating yourself up for ignoring your intuition. Be compassionate with yourself and you will be able to move forward with a deeper understanding of your soul, spirit and self. You will become someone who is not only aware of their strengths, but aware of their weaknesses. In knowing your weak spots, you know how to better protect yourself moving forward.
Knowing and trusting yourself is the greatest strength of all.
There will come a day when you are face to face with temptation again and you will be able to say with a knowing smirk, “Hello old friend, I see you, but you can’t trick me again.”.
Thank you for reading my jumbled thoughts. Subscribe to receive more letters (and occasional poetry) straight from my soul to your inbox. <3